Trigger Warning: Death
It’s been about 7 months since my last post. A lot has happened…
During December, our cat Artimus (pictured above) was diagnosed with feline leukemia. He had been given a vaccine against the disease when he was younger, but the veterinarian said he most likely was born with it. His body fought off the disease for as long as it could, and after about 3 years, it could take no more. I wish there was something we could have done to save him. During his last few days of life, we spoiled him with treats and tried to make him comfortable. Watching him slowly fade away… yet he still wanted to be near us… it was heartbreaking. The thought that my partner and I had to *decide* to put him down, was horrible. If we didn’t get him euthanized he would have died slowly and painfully. He was so strong for so long and we had no idea.
The week after Artimus passed away, our male rabbit Benjamin had a near-death experience thanks to GastroIntestinal Stasis.
The week after THAT, our cat Tobias began drooling excessively (I have never seen anything like it! It was as though his mouth had become a faucet), but thankfully it cleared up.
My Grandma’s health took a nose-dive around this time as well. There was about a week or so that it looked like she might get better… but then she stopped responding. Alzheimer’s disease had finally shut down her brain. I arrived at her room, just seconds after she had taken her last breath. It was the first time I had seen a non-alive human body. She was… so still. I kept hoping she would take another breath. That she would, somehow wake up, and be the Grandma that I had known and loved. But she was gone. We couldn’t save her from the disease.
Over and over again, I think about how horrible of a person I used to be. I hadn’t had anyone close to me die for a very long time. I didn’t understand why people got so upset about loved ones dying. My rationality was “I’m not upset, so why are you upset?”. I took the quote ‘Do unto others as you would have them do to you’ literally, without questioning how they would like to have been treated. I was completely ignorant.
A few months after my Grandma had passed away, a relative of one of my closest friends passed away. I was so engrossed by my own losses, that I didn’t have the coping skills to handle their loss as well. My grief was at an all time high, and I began really searching for meaning within my life.
I am going to die. You are going to die. Every pet, and every person I’ve ever loved, will die. Some will die fast. Some will suffer. Death is the only thing that is guaranteed.
When I was younger, I wanted to die. I prayed to God that he would take me away from this horrible place. Every day, I woke up, still alive. I stopped praying. I tried to commit suicide. My attempts failed, and I lived on for many many years, wishing I could hurry up and be dead. But it wasn’t death I craved. It was happiness. And a better world.
Since my Grandma’s passing, I think I’ve found my reason to want to live. My Grandma was a good person. She was always trying to help other people and she was such a positive influence. I want to be a good person too. I want to take the things I’ve learned, and help others.
I spent over 20 years absolutely HATING myself and thinking I was completely worthless.
But no more.
I choose to live.